You Can't Do It

There are many things you CAN call me. But you cannot call me the best ball eater in Denver/Boulder/Nederland area in Colorado. Maybe the SECOND best ball eater, but not THE best. Here is an example of an eating contest maybe you don't want to win.

The rocky mountain oyster eating contest was the final event in the 2009 Frozen Dead Guys Day festival in Nederland. It was held at the First Street Pub & Grill in wonderful downtown Nederland.

The stage was set.

There were 8 contestants. Two qualifying heats of four eaters. The top 2 from each heat moved to the finals where the prizes would be decided: $100 for 1st, $50 second, and $25 third. And whoever was in 4th could finish his oysters.

1st heat.
The guy in the lower left is the 2-time defending champion. The next guy is an Australian journalist. He puked.
The crowd watches.

This guy was 2nd in the heat. He could easily be a younger mohawkless Pat Bertoletti. The defending champion took 1st in the heat.

The format of the contest was first-and-second-to-finish their 1/2 pound moved on. Then in the finals it was 1/2 pound again. I think these were the first contests that I've been in that were not timed events. They had 20 pounds of rocky mountain oysters prepared, so I would have preferred 1/2 pound in the heats, but then a full pound in the finals.

I was in the 2nd heat.
The guy next to me puked. The dude in the red would win the heat, and win the finals. In the finals he finished maybe 1/2 strip before me. The defending champion was 3rd, and Pat Bertoletti guy stopped eating after maybe 1 strip (maybe the Pat Bertoletti comparison stops here). I don't have timings, but I think it took a few minutes - maybe 3 - to down the 1/2 pound.

Here is my plate in the finals. 1/2 pound, 6 strips or so.
They were not fried, but breaded and baked. So they were surprisingly delicious and low calorie too. The oysters I ate a while ago were definitely fried, and a little bigger. And these - maybe due to not being fried, and not having cocktail sauce and lemon - were more pungent. A bit more iron-y tasting. And mushier testicular meat. A very tough thing to describe. And definitely not a pleasant texture to masticate. If you've ever eaten a severely freezer-burned Boca Burger that been warmed on a Foreman Grill then you can get an idea of the texture. It was mushy, but tough too. You had to chew. It was weird.

Show me the money.

On the way back, my sweet momma-in-law and I stopped for some soft serve at Dairy Queen. We took her newish car.



Before we stopped for cones, we were pulled over by one of the guys who serve and protect us. Something about doing 48 mph in a 35 mph zone. But a 2009 Audi S5 which has 8 Vs and 354 or so horses under the hood has a hard time going 35. Also it did not hurt one bit that she turned up her sweetness level. Or that she mentioned we were on the way back from Nederland were I was in a rocky mountain oyster eating contest. Or that the cop brought up how he loves Man v. Food on the Travel Channel. He took her license and registration, and came back 10 seconds later. "You have a real nice car, and it's a real nice day, but slow it down". A warning. I bet he totally dug a 77-year-old lady driving a car like that, shuttling around a skinny competitive eater who just ate rocky mountain oysters in Nederland. Thanks, Mr. Policeman.

To bring it back to the eating contest:

1st - Nick
2nd - Me
3rd - Ray
4th - Jacob

See you next year, Nederland!